Meta moments

When I write essays for class, I usually do so in a frantic fury the day before it's due. Which means I spend like twenty percent of my brain processing power stressing over the fact that I didn't do it sooner. But, as I'm writing and a thought I like comes out, then I think about how if I'd done it even twenty minutes earlier, the thought conclusion I came to might be different. In fact, it most likely would have been. The sentence would be different. The paragraph would end differently. The words, chosen like books from a vast library in the mind, would be different. The paper written three days earlier under different circumstances, would be a vastly different paper.

It is as if you are a sculptor looking at a block of marble--you don't know what is in there waiting to come out yet but because you don't know, before you set chisel to stone, what is inside is infinite. It's Schroedinger's cat applied a little differently. Writing a paper is setting your mind to the blank space of thought as if it were the chisel. How does anything finite contain infinite things?

Wouldn't it be incredible if instead of seeing in the visible light spectrum, or infrared, or UV, you saw in possibilities? That would be the trippiest shit ever.

Given that, essay writing becomes comforting. Or at least the time frame in which you write, because then you are aware of the fragility of whatever you've just written. It could be something amazing and it had to have been that moment of time which gave rise to it, brought about by each of those thoughts and sentences which you deleted and changed. From the perspective of the final product, every single step along the way was significant. Therefore, writing it at 12:56 the day it's due isn't necessarily a bad thing. Of course, this depends on if you like what you came up with.

The general feeling that I get then is that things can come to be because they do. It's circular reasoning, I know. It also seems to be flavored by fate, but I don't mean that things happen and you're doomed to let them. Out of the infinity you chose to realize one. But how that one? If just a few moments of change would have realized a different one, doesn't it seem like that gives some weight of significance to the one that came to be, simply because it did?

okay i've thought myself into a wall. may i blame it on the congestion going on in what feels like the brain.

instead, since I can't seem to sleep, i will briefly speak about how life is like a river. it flows and flows. what then is the gravity that makes our lives go, like the force that makes the rivers flow? death? do we move towards, or just on? well that got really off the board. again, i'm just going for the odd sense of comfort that thought gives me. people flow into our lives, they flow out. what we have. events. everything that happens. they join and sometimes leave again, but the action continues; movement. things do not stagnate in life. (don't hold on too tightly, it may be here now, it may go, but it will be here again)

sometimes I lie in bed and think I can hear and feel it rushing.

I think that facebook is only a useful tool for those who would interact like a networking demon even in its absence

I think that facebook is only a useful tool for those who would interact like a networking demon even in its absence. That is, facebook furthers their relationships and makes it easier for said networking to occur but harbors little value for those who wouldn't be all friendly up in your face anyway. If you fall into the latter category, it's more likely that facebook offers an equal amount of annoyance and pain as it does social benefits, or whatever. For example it may let you momentarily reconnect with someone but if you don't feel the urge to pour energy into constantly posting on walls, then it just tapers off into cyber silence. Maybe it allows for the virtual friendship, hah, by which I mean, the friendship you believe still exists from a comment or two (if you're a girl: "you look so cute in this picture!") or "like" on a profile post: virtual both in its matter and context.

One positive aspect of facebook is that it lets you slide through time momentarily. And it enables such thoughts as this--when I see pictures of people who went to the same high school as me but are studying, say, in Turkey, I think about how people are like seedpods fermented (to mix metaphors) in the same place and then cast into the wind to make their way and impact on the world. Perhaps more than six degrees of separation, it's six degrees of influence.

The same thing can take on such different meanings based on perspective. "How do I want to get to know this person?" instead of "what does this person think of me?" Even if that thought is "everyone wants to get to know me."

idk it's late and i am extremely tired and yet i am on this thing writing.

bliss

i love the sound of crickets chirping in the summertime nights. and running. and cooking good food and eating it. as someone wise once told me, the world provides adequate resources for happiness. i think maybe that can even be extended, now, to infinite.

we owe so much of our lives to cultivating ourselves, our interests, our character, our loves and strong beliefs. maybe we'll never know "who we are" in a given moment of time, but every day is finding out. you live your way into the answer. i find myself thinking about that quotation more than i do others. perhaps because it resonates the most with what life seems to be offering.

lately i've been having crazy ideas of shaking the boat, changing things, doing one of those finding yourself in the depths of the himalayas while sipping tea with a lama ambles. it has to do with a growing difference i feel in myself. something's changing.

maybe it's hanging out with people who are open and friendly and seek to connect in the world. the people who believe every wall can come down and on the other side is someone interesting, someone who will be friendly, someone who will return your respect for them. i always looked down on that philosophy, on "networking" because of its inherently utilitarian undertones. maybe it's time to throw aside the...hipstercritic attitude.

OPTIMISM. let's see how long this lasts.

i can't wait to go wwoofing. can't wait to feel the impact of consumption, of getting dirty and physical and learning the land and watch it not live up to expectations.

Cooking monster

So instead of going for a run and then studying at the library, Becca and I went for a walk and rounded a corner into an incredibly unique sunset. The sun was a pure, brilliant deep red and you could look directly at it without any difficulty, which meant you could then watch it second by second as it sank behind the trees of picnic point. It was almost surreal, to notice the speed at which our world actually turns.

Today I spent a lot of time cooking. At Savory Sunday, there was the almost-consigned potato salad that turned into delicious potato bake, and the squash stir fry. I nearly melted into the industrial range. Then, after we walked, I came home and started cooking but then didn't stop for two hours. And I realize I have actually no interest in finishing this post.

I like cooking a lot.

hannah and i ran in the rain, under the lightning storm, and felt alive.

hannah and i ran in the rain, under the lightning storm, and felt alive. i felt more alive than i've felt in a goddamn long time. why do we only become lonely when we grow older? i think childhood is the best moment of our life, and it is fleeting, and despite all our hopes, we can never recapture it except to consciously strive for a replica of its existence that will never be more of a replica. which, considering our bloodless polite lives as mature adults, is good enough.

disallowed

soooo cute! so pretty!

http://bit.ly/oLhInG


but then you read and find out that their mother is named peggy. what the shit. that's like naming the universe tom.

a faint buzzing noise

it's been awhile since I wrote in here and therefore I can't remember what my last post was about, since I came straight to the "new post" button and did not look at my old posts nor collect 200 dollars. i'm kind of feverish (though on ibuprofen, which comes directly from god)--not a very high fever but because i run at a normal body temperature of like 96 degrees, a temperature of 100 makes me feel like everything in me has begun emitting electromagnetic radiation. while in a squished, fuzzy place. does that make sense?

god, i can't remember why i started writing in this. what the hell. i was thinking about change, but then vaguely remembered writing in here about change and that probably prompted my little spiel about monopoly posting. but then i started thinking about the dichotomy of philosophizing and daily life. now i am thinking about the venn diagrams that could be used to describe people. every person's kind of composed of venn diagram circles, and we're all on a search for those overlapping spaces.

now i am thinking that i think too much. i think and think and then i think about why i'm thinking what i'm thinking while i'm thinking and now i've used the word think far too many times. i find myself not satisfied unless i'm pondering/speaking of some deep philosophical topic (see: practically every other post on this rant-site) but then i get tired of myself for thinking of these things. this is a new phenomenon. previously, philosophizing was interesting and captivating; now, it still is but sometimes halfway through i go, fuck it, why am I on this topic AGAIN that requires so much investment of brain energy when i could be staring into space and wondering why squirrels looks so much like evil little rats.

but, it's a self-defeating thought process because such a phenomenon leads me to wonder if this is a symptom of the technological age today. and then i'm off on yet another philosophizing thought path which ends in frustration.

man, thinking is hard