we need to talk

all right ann emery. i've put up with your behavior long enough. this is unacceptable. they should have taught you at building school that you have to be yourself, and imitation is not the way to grow as a person thing. that's why i have to inform you that it's been very disappointing to see you trying to be something you're not. the antarctic death trap phase is one that will pass soon enough, just like those jelly shoes people wore back in elementary school, or youthful optimism. you might not be aware of that phase, since you are a building, but it happened. note the past tense. that is in fact a (now rather ironically outdated) phrase people employ to indicate the hip-ness of an object or idea: "happenin" and let me tell you, THIS SHIT is not. it's not even "hap."

let me clarify what THIS SHIT pertains to. while there are organisms, such as sphingomonas echinoides, that thrive at -25 degrees celsius, the three inhabitants of Apt 201 are not such creatures. we are of a higher phylum, order, family, genus, molecular makeup, intelligence, sentience, and surface area. given this, here are some examples of unacceptable behavior:

exhibit a) hank. upon walking into the living room/kitchen (approx 9 ft x 13 ft, which is smaller than the size of your average cadillac escalade), one may notice that the oven, Hank, is open and on. this is because without Hank, said living room/kitchen approaches temperatures commonly seen in deep sea trenches or alternatively, on the surface of the moon. 

exhibit b) electricity bill. way more expensive in the winter than in the summer. why? spaceheaters running. for the sake of argument, let's say that's just one 1500 kw space heater running for a low estimate of 8 hours per day. mg&e's winter pricing is  $.2589. that equals $3.11 per day spent on heating. now let's say that we use this hypothetical space heater a modest 25 days per month. that's $77.75 in fucking space heater payment alone. 

exhibit c) i just calculated how much money we may be spending on our space heater. that is a problem. i do not want to do math. that is an exhibit all in itself. furthermore, i am writing this in my giant puffy winter coat, with slowly numbing fingertips, already numb toes. 

that is just three exhibits. i would write more but the frost is creeping over the screen. farewell fond world. you'll find me in a week, encased in a lump of ice like jack from the shining. on my gravestone please inscribe the words "it's been cool."

ps the resounding bass and drunk langdon streeters are just icing on the cake 

eta pps who the hell has sex at 2:41 am? upstairs neighbor, you must recently have gotten an accommodating finals fuck buddy in which case, power to you but move your bed away from the wall. and lower your elephantine feet more gingerly