Peace (and War, which is the length of this post)

This afternoon was a really good one. Good in aspects that are both people related, thought related, and world related. I went into lab and hung out with everyone--it reinforces my opinion again, that simply spending time with people can be one of the most crucial posts on which to build relationships. When you overlap in time, little things can come out of it that nevertheless play important roles. Things like: hearing the same story as everyone else, which later is referenced; saying a simple statement about the professor whose class you had today (and who imitated electric fish searching for mates in an anthropomorphic manner, after giving you a falconry lesson); doing a task meant for other people, inciting someone to come up to you and hug you. All of our relationships are built up of the thousands of tiny little things we overlook, perhaps even more so than the large, specific events and actions we may recall better or consciously strive to enact. It's like in Orlando, the book by Virginia Woolf, when she says that most of our time is spent in non-being, performing routine tasks we don't even attend to. Our relationships with people are largely built upon moments of non-relationship-consciousness (to make a really long word).


Furthermore, all people are looking for kindness and when given it, will most generally give it in return. I really appreciate how at my lab everyone says goodbye to everyone else when they leave, and everyone remaining says goodbye to them. There's something so kind in such a simple gesture. Some people may believe it trite and annoying (such a small thing!) but "in the particular is contained the universal." That's a quotation from Joyce, in A Portrait of the Artist As a Young Man. I wish I could claim credit. I wrote it on my whiteboard and it summarized exactly what I was trying to say. Also, James Joyce could've written the song title of many a Panic! At the Disco song, going by that title.


Second great thing about this afternoon was when I stopped on my bike back from the hospital and sat at one of the benches on lakeshore. Then I got my notebook out and wrote some things down. It was incredible, to be outside and thinking. I actually got to the rational bottom of one of my general amorphous thoughts--and that makes me so happy! One of my friends, who's an amazing, logical thinker, is really good at it and I thought I'd give it a try. So often, I don't follow through and break down my gut instincts into just why I feel that way. It was such a satisfying feeling. Plus, it was truly gorgeous outside. Have you ever just looked at the way the October sun hits golden tree leaves and lights them up like incandescent gold? I can look and look at that until it feels like every bit of me is filled up with gold and blue sky.


The third great thing was going on my run. and the thought that came from that run (I'm loosing the steam to capitalize...). i went on a 6.5 mile run, which i've discovered is pretty much my optimal running distance. shorter than that and i don't fall into the meditative mood running sometimes puts me in, when i come back feeling like a happy sponge. anyway, i was going my usual way back along picnic point and i was having a fairly shitty time--tired, it was windy, etc. and then it hit me: if you're not enjoying this, then you're not running. Not running! straight up. what a thought. if i was going along and feeling like every part of me was complaining and going what the fuck connie I REBEL I WILL ROLL AWAY AND NEVER BELONG TO YOU AGAIN goodbye, then i was actually just ambulating at a fast pace. running is more than that. when i really feel the running, it feels like i can go forever. i remember once eva and i went running in fog, and then another time we went running in the winter dark, both times for nearly two hours, and both times it didn't even feel like i was expending any effort.


so i told myself that if i'm not enjoying this then something is wrong and i need to do something--slow down, look at trees, look at leaves, stop, go somewhere else--until it is fixed. if i'm not enjoying running, i'm not running. and my god it worked. i went into the back of picnic point, and it was just the trees, me, squirrels scaring me. kind of spooky because there was absolutely no one else out there in the wind-blown shade. i picked up leaves. i looked (transparent eyeball! that's emerson, the old crazy man) at everything. because it was so beautiful that to be outside, to be running, to see it all, couldn't NOT be enjoyment. then i didn't want it to end and went running around university bay fields, where there were less things to look at; i ended up looking at the sky (our earth is so big and so small) and running through crunchy leaves on completely unnecessary detours from the path. i think i looked seven kinds of idiot with leaves clenched in my hand, stomping through leaves on the ground, grinning, but man it felt awesome.


also it was great because even though i had been running for a long time i still passed several people. and then, while i stretched/stood at the union, a trio of policepeople came with a newly trained police dog and took a picture. the dog sat on one of those pillars by the alumni center while its owner, a policewoman, stood next to it and expressed embarrassed to be taking the picture. it was so cute. i worked up the courage to say something to them (police people, eeek) because i wanted to but was almost too shy to, and said it was an amazing picture to the policewoman, who seemed pleased.


yes. it was a good afternoon.