What have I been up to? On the surface, not too much. I've been working at University Book Store as a seasonal temp. They pay very little but at least it's something and at least I'm suffering. That may sound weird but it's one of the reasons I wanted to get a job like that. I've never really had to clock in, clock out, eat my lunch/dinner in 30 minutes, and remain unflaggingly cheerful to people I don't know at all. As someone who's fascinated by people in general, retail's a great way to just observe. People begin to blend together, except for the ones that stand out for some reason: the impeccably made up older Southern lady who locked her keys in her car and had to wait in the store for almost an hour, talking too loudly into her cell phone and calling me "dear." The short Spanish man who basically taught me about the fancy pens or at least let me kindly fumble my way into learning about them while helping him out. The old German man named Klaus who needed University seals, or was it paperweights, and he was sure someone at the store showed it to him before and what kind of name is Connie? There are those kinds of customers but mostly everyone starts to look the same and sometimes you embarrass yourself saying hello again to someone who just walked by.
I like that though. To know that people are more similar than we think. To see people buying gifts for their nieces and nephews and grandchildren in Florida, California, Colorado, knowing that each personal niece, nephew, grandchild is unique but the experience of caring for someone far away can be repeated so many times amongst unknowing strangers. I don't know any of these people (except for Peter, my old Neuroscience professor who bought something one day) and I don't really care about any of these people but in a benign, distant half-senile avuncular way I wish them all well.
There's a lot I disagree with when it comes to retail and the tip of consumerism iceberg it represents. But I'm learning so much too. I would never want to work in retail forever but I'm glad I'm having this experience, despite not wanting to go into work on Sunday...or any day really. I call it suffering because sometimes it is so mind-numbingly boring for eight long, tedious hours on your feet but maybe that's too strong of a word. I mean unpleasant. I mean soul dullingly boring. I mean painful. That's what life is, having to be able to endure such adjectives. I like all my coworkers at least and it's teaching me to be more confident with strangers.
Other than that I've been trying to be more creative, reading good books, cooking things, and going outside. Here are some pictures. I've been walking and running in Owen Woods and Garner Park. The trees are in Owen, on a breathtakingly cloudy, cool day in which the vastness of the sky hung over the prairie and the trees stood out like bones. I LOVE weather like that. Standing on the hill looking out in the distance with my cheeks chilled, slightly out of breath from hiking upwards, is so profoundly real and unadulterated it makes me feel wild.
And these are garlands Kelly and I made at the library yesterday for craft night. My camera failed me on this but the clouds were cut out of old books using a die-cut press thing. The book pages had been unsuccessfully tie-dyed in a previous project but I thought it looked interesting. I cut the raindrops out of blue cloth scraps and all the pieces were sewn together on a sewing machine.
I've also been trying to figure out what I want to do in the future, which has necessitated asking some big questions and then asking them again. I'm not sure about a lot of things but I do know you can only move forward. In that case, I've also been trying to become better at keeping in touch with the people who matter and letting go of those who might not have a good influence. I'm trying to believe in myself no matter the path that I take or the choices I make, and letting myself inhabit all that I'm worth. It's not easy but every day feels meaningful at least.
